My heart deeply hurts for those who have been bullied, or are currently being bullied. If you’re reading this, I’ve been there. You’re not alone.
I’m also sympathetic towards the bullies out there- because past the tough facade, there’s so much pain, hurt, and insecurity screaming for help. After I was bullied as a young girl, I later became the bully. Though there’s no justification for bullying, I want to discuss this subject addressing both perspectives. There’s always two sides to a story, and I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.
There are still remnants of scars from the painful words that were uttered to me all throughout my early adolescence and teenage years. Fat. Ugly. Good for nothing. Unwanted. Worthless. Loner. Kill yourself. Better off dead. I ended up believing that all the hurtful comments were true, which led to deep-rooted insecurity. A ton of them.
In my later years of middle school and throughout high school, my insecurities manifested into bitterness, rebellion, and anger. I was overly vocal about things (and people) that bothered me, and would often get into unnecessary verbal fights with my friends or peers. Because of this, I could barely maintain any friendships for the long-run, aside from a few childhood friends I grew up with. I tried to protect myself by acting tough so that I wouldn’t get hurt, but I was digging myself into a deeper hole of loneliness and fear.
Though I kept a clear distance from others, I longed to be known for who I was past the walls I put up.
It was during my college years when I realized that I needed to change. To stop letting the past debilitate me. To stop hiding behind masks, and to be known for who I was past all of that.
As I mentioned in the “About Me” section, there was a point in college when I crashed and hit rock bottom because I truly believed my life was meaningless. I was severely depressed during this time because I couldn’t handle all the pain that had accumulated throughout my life, and I sure didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I had no willpower anymore. I developed extreme social anxiety, and feared facing people in public, so I retreated to my bedroom all day and stopped taking care of myself. I wrestled with suicidal thoughts because I honestly thought that was the only way out. But God, in all His tender mercy and grace, had other plans for me.
It’s been 3 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior over my life. Out of all days, it happened on my birthday (totally unplanned), which still completely blows my mind to this day. It was on my birthday that I was re-born and made a new creation in Christ: the past no longer had a hold of me. It no longer defined me. My identity was secured in Christ and in Him alone. I was free from carrying the heavy weights that chained me down for all those years. I was finally free.
Once I realized my desperate need for grace- that I was a sinner by nature and nothing else in this world could fulfill me, was when the gospel truly penetrated deep into my heart.
Today, I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and insecurity, but I trust that God has a plan for me, as He sanctifies me and meets me where I’m at with His grace. His mercies are truly new every morning. It’s my prayer that the Lord would continue to be glorified in my weaknesses. That my story would be a testimony of His unending love and goodness. And that whoever comes across these posts would be assured that there is always hope. There is freedom from pain, insecurity, brokenness, and darkness. Even if we don’t feel like there is. Thanks to the blood of Jesus, which has completely covered us as clean and righteous, our identity remains secure in Christ. Though this is still a daily struggle for me, I cling onto the hope that all of His promises are true.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8: 1-2