Bullied To Bully: My Story Of Hope

My heart deeply hurts for those who have been bullied, or are currently being bullied. If you’re reading this, I’ve been there. You’re not alone.

I’m also sympathetic towards the bullies out there- because past the tough facade, there’s so much pain, hurt, and insecurity screaming for help. After I was bullied as a young girl, I later became the bully. Though there’s no justification for bullying, I want to discuss this subject addressing both perspectives. There’s always two sides to a story, and I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum.

There are still remnants of scars from the painful words that were uttered to me all throughout my early adolescence and teenage years. Fat. Ugly. Good for nothing. Unwanted. Worthless. Loner. Kill yourself. Better off dead. I ended up believing that all the hurtful comments were true, which led to deep-rooted insecurity. A ton of them.

In my later years of middle school and throughout high school, my insecurities manifested into bitterness, rebellion, and anger. I was overly vocal about things (and people) that bothered me, and would often get into unnecessary verbal fights with my friends or peers. Because of this, I could barely maintain any friendships for the long-run, aside from a few childhood friends I grew up with. I tried to protect myself by acting tough so that I wouldn’t get hurt, but I was digging myself into a deeper hole of loneliness and fear.

Though I kept a clear distance from others, I longed to be known for who I was past the walls I put up.

It was during my college years when I realized that I needed to change. To stop letting the past debilitate me. To stop hiding behind masks, and to be known for who I was past all of that.

As I mentioned in the “About Me” section, there was a point in college when I crashed and hit rock bottom because I truly believed my life was meaningless. I was severely depressed during this time because I couldn’t handle all the pain that had accumulated throughout my life, and I sure didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I had no willpower anymore. I developed extreme social anxiety, and feared facing people in public, so I retreated in my bedroom all day and stopped taking care of myself. I wrestled with suicidal thoughts because I honestly thought that was the only way out. But God, in all His tender mercy and grace, had other plans for me.

It’s been 3 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior over my life. Out of all days, it happened on my birthday (totally unplanned), which still completely blows my mind to this day. It was on my birthday that I was re-born and made a new creation in Christ: the past no longer had a hold of me. It no longer defined me. My identity was secured in Christ and in Him alone. I was free from carrying the heavy weights that chained me down for all those years. I was finally free.

Once I realized my desperate need for grace- that I was a sinner by nature and nothing else in this world could fulfill me, was when the gospel truly penetrated deep into my heart.

Today, my life is marked by a deep joy that doesn’t waiver based on circumstance. A joy that only comes from fully knowing Christ, pursuing the things of God, and dying to myself daily. It’s my prayer that the Lord would continue to be glorified in my weaknesses. That my story would be a testimony of His unending love and goodness. And that whoever comes across these posts would be assured that there is always hope. There is freedom from pain, insecurity, brokenness, and darkness.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8: 1-2

 

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37 thoughts on “Bullied To Bully: My Story Of Hope

  1. Happy Guinea Pig says:

    Story of my life 🙂

    Believe it not, but my most hurtful bully moments were not with my seniors or fellow mates but with my teachers who humiliated me for my hairstyles. Well, can’t really call it bullying exactly. I always kept my hair a bit lose to fall over my ear so that I could hide my ear defect which has left me half deaf since childbirth.

    I did bully a few younger friends just under the excuse of being elder to them. Since I knew how it felt to be bullied myself, I did not do anything intense when it was my turn.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeautyofourimperfection™ says:

      Thanks for your honesty and for sharing that part of your life with me. I’m sorry to hear that it was your own teachers that bullied you- that must’ve been scarring coming from a person of authority at the time.

      If there’s one good thing that can come out bullying, it’s preventing ourselves from doing the very same damage that was done to us and taking action if we witness others being bullied.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Marianne Lucas says:

    This is an amazing post. I am currently going through what you went through in college, especially the feelings of depression and anxiety. I think it’s wonderfully brave of you to actually share this, because sharing about it can be quite intimidating. God bless you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. missmollylove says:

    Bullying is horrible. Kids can be truly cruel. I remember in middle school thinking to myself, “Am I ever going to be happy, again?”. That was probably the most miserable I have ever been in my life.
    I had a bully and she singled me out. I now know why she said and did the things she did, because she had gone through a lot of negative changes at home.
    To make herself feel better, she would pick at everything I did; how I dressed, my looks, how I sat, how much I weighted, etc. And she was able to get my “friends” to laugh at me too.
    Like you, I would become a bully myself. Though I continued to be bullied by her, whenever I got the chance I would throw the attention on 2 different boys. I still feel horrible to this day. But I did it so I could be the one laughing and not being the one laughed at.

    But thank you for sharing your experiences. I know this will help a lot of people going through the same things. Wonderful blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeautyofourimperfection™ says:

      I’m so sorry you had to endure that- thanks so much for sharing so openly. Bullying is horribly “contagious” in the sense that it causes a chain reaction of bullying.

      Thankfully, combating the bullying with kindness + awareness through personal stories is even more contagious in a much more powerful way. Thanks again for sharing and for your kind words!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. kristina says:

    Thank you for your post. I went through same thing and just thinking back on how I felt at that time gives me chills. The insecurities that were brought by those people stopped me from doing amazing things in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. NelFierce says:

    I read this article again and again and … Speechless, I’m truly speechless. It’s so honest, so deep and meaningful. I love it. The fact that you’re sharing your sruggle and your recovery it’s so inspiring. I hope you find yourself now, and things get better in your life. Thanks for this inspiring story. Love and respect.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The Beauty Official says:

    I read this post earlier today and I’ve been wondering for hours about how to respond! Your story is very relatable to my experience. I was bullied as a child…and then became a bully.

    When I moved to Idaho from Hawaii, I was often excluded from activities by students (and teachers!) for looking “different” (I’m Asian-American).

    As I grew older, I began to take my pent-up feelings out on others. Eventually, I realized I had turned into someone I didn’t want to be and then developed feelings of depression and guilt.

    Deep down, I wanted the goodness within myself to shine–which took a lot of time, conversations, and habitual changes to make that happen!

    Can you tell how much I loved your post?! It’s amazing, inspiring, and so touching! Also, you write beautifully!

    xoxo
    Mel

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ericajean says:

    This is a bittersweet testimony, Hannah! Thank you so much for sharing this. I found your site via the #RevofKindness blog and I had to read more. I too, have been bullied when I was a kid and then somehow it turned into something acidic. I did not fight people but in order to be accepted, I in turn treated someone horribly.

    There were those rare moments when I was kind to them, but as you have stated perfectly, we need to hear both sides of the story. We are so set on only helping the victim(and we should help them and continue to do so), that we forget to help understand the root cause(the bully).

    Maybe we need more counseling and prayers for the bullies as well.

    Thank you and I will be following your blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ericajean says:

    Hi!
    The #RevOfKindness is a 7 week ” challenge” to spread kindness and understand that there is still some good in the world.

    It started on Niki’s blog: therichnessofasimplelife.wordpress.com. This week we focused on being kind to ourselves first 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That Confident Gal says:

    Great post! I had to deal with some bad experiences because of my appearance at school when I was younger, simply because I used to wear black. Unfortunately many kids still face these things. Peace and love!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Cyndel B. says:

    I can relate to this so much. I was so outcasted and bullied in middle/high school. I turned into a bitter, mean person. It took a lot to move on from that place, but I had the love of my friends that helped get me through. When I tell people about that time in my life, they don’t believe me. It is because of those years I try to be so happy and loving now, because you never know who really needs it. Great post, thank you for sharing your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. missinformation says:

    I was bullied since highschool till college because I was 2 years ahead of my classmates. Without God’s love and favor, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I am touched and at the same time saddened to know that some of you also experienced bullying. I always felt lonely and unloved before. God’s grace is indeed sufficient for all of us. Please visit my post about my experience as well. God bless you ladies! https://missinformati0n.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/popular/

    Liked by 1 person

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